#projecting my feelings dealing with anger issues and outbursts and guilt and regret and making him and his son that he hates deal with it

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

why did i do that?

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

Are you up for headcanons of how Benny would apologize after being an oblivious, insufferable, dick, over something stupid? I'm totally projecting because my own personal idiot was an oblivious, insufferable, dick, over something stupid this morning.

My love I’m so sorry this took so long but I’ve finally finished it!! Hope this comes close to what you had in mind (and I also hope that anything in your life is resolved by now!! <3)

Fighting with Benny

You and Benny fighting is incredibly draining. Both of you hate it immensely and can’t stand it, therefore you try to avoid it as much as possible but life happens and you’re only human. 

Sometimes you fail though, emotions running high when they are being provoked, sometimes without a reason at all, the frustration of the week just adding up and hitting the other when least expected.

Those are ugly fights, neither of you wanting to apologize first, both feeling like they’ve being wronged here, really. It’s usually about something trivial, one of you leaving their shoes in the hallway again or feeling like they’re the only one doing chores around the house, about one leaving too many shampoo bottles in the shower or leaving the couch in an absolute mess of pillows and blankets, also again. 

Sometimes you are the one being stressed, not wanting to admit that you’re having too much on your plate at the moment and Benny asking about you how you’re dealing with it only makes you feel more incompetent and dumb, so instead of answering his question you give back a snarky comment which leads to him being irritated and giving back some kind of short remark and you go downhill from there.

Sometimes it’s him. Benny is usually very straight forward about his feelings and likes to share what’s going on inside of his brain but there are times where he it’s more a feeling than a thought, that just eats away at him slowly. He’s more reserved then, avoiding you all week and cutting conversations shorter than they need to be, which makes you feel shut out of whatever he’s dealing with. He tries to keep himself busy then, going on a run or to the gym more often, not realizing that this is actually making things worse as he’s isolating himself more and more from you. The combination of adrenaline from his workout mixing in with an issue he’s been avoiding for a week now tends to explode and it does so often at the most inconvenient time.

Benny is also someone who can get passive aggressive really fast, picking on things that he normally doesn’t mind that much and it suddenly seems that everything you do annoys him to bits. He knows he’s being irritating then and he knows that you are only trying your best and don’t deserve him being rude to you but part of him also doesn’t care at the moment. It’s a horrible time when he’s like this, you avoiding him more as the week progresses and the time you actually spent together is usually ruined by him leaving yet another rude comment about something.

Most of the time you understand why he’s acting the way he does but it still this doesn’t excuse his behavior. Usually both of you try to resolve any issues you have in your relationship as fast as possible but it’s way easier when it is something big and prominent.

It’s at least half a day later when both of you calmed down enough to gather your thoughts and realized that yelling won’t get you anywhere that you meet, bound to run into each other in the small apartment at some point. Sometime’s it’s the kitchen, one of you getting hungry and the other one trailing in behind slowly. Depending on the matter you will either talk about it then or, if it’s still too early, give it another go before you go to bed, resulting in a long talk in the bathroom. One usually ends up sitting on the bathtub, one leaning against the counter, both of you shuffling around a bit before you start to talk, calmly now and most of the time you carry the conversation to bed.

This is not about finding a solution right away, more that you are listening to each other and inevitably signaling „I am here, we will get through this together and get this figured out“. This leads to you two usually not going to bed alone and/or angry most of the time, which is very important to both of you.  

There are also the big fights, about opinions and morales, fights that dive deep into both of your personalities and bring out the very concept of what you believe is right or wrong. There’s usually a lot of swearing, sometimes raising the voice because emotions get the best of both of you and you’re trying to get your point across. They’re longer, seemingly continuing forever and the toughest one’s on your relationship, really.

Those fights don’t happen that often but when they do, they hit hard. Usually they’re trigged by an event that has you discussing your side and making points for your point of view, trying to get the other to understand and not really grasping as to how they can view it differently than you. You try to listen, though, but usually your debates are bound to run high again and again at some point, leaving you parting for an unknown amount of time because you know that you can’t convince the other one and you both need a little time to cool off before you start to say things that you might desperately regret later.

The following days are even worse, the discussion is still lingering in the air, leaving you both more quiet and reserved than before and avoiding to talk about anything that could cause another argument. It takes some time to come to terms with the realization that this can’t go on forever and that you eventually have to talk to each other again. In the end you’re only left with the option to accept your unshared opinions on the topic and try to respect each other different point of views.

Then there are the arguments that can hardly be considered fights at all, both of you usually just nagging at each other about the other’s persons habits and ticks, accompanied with the feeling of wanting to strangle the other person. You’re basically getting onto each other’s nerves then and whatever it is that has left you both feeling like miserable little children pouting around, is usually forgotten a couple of hours later.

Sometimes one does bring it up again but it is in a playful manner this time, that leave’s the other person groaning and more than often ends with clothes thrown on the floor and the playful wrestling turning into something just as exciting.

Fighting happens more often when a difficult fight is coming up for Benny, too. You’ve recognized the pattern by now and learned that asking about it only makes it worse so you try to let him be as much as possible but living with him doesn’t grant you the opportunity ignore him completely and you’re bound to have a conversation about something at some point. It doesn’t really matter what the topic is then, even if it’s just smalltalk, he bursts almost immediately and you are left with more hurt than you’d thought you’d get that night. 

You go to bed alone then, his side empty and you have to fall asleep without his arm around your waist and his deep breaths calming you down. He’s out that night, first for a run to clear his head and then, when running doesn’t seem to do anything, in a diner, turning around a half emptied cup of coffee. He dreads going home, doesn’t want to yet, with his emotions all over the place, doesn’t want to risk another outburst he didn’t plan for and make things worse instead of fixing them. He feels absolutely awful in that moment, ashamed about his words and lashing out on you and now hiding out in a run down diner instead of talking it through with you like he’s used to. This time is different though, nothing of this has anything to do with you and the guilt eats away inside of him, furthering the idea to hide out here until … what? That’s actually a question he hasn’t figured out yet but as the sun is starting to color the clouds a light pink color he sighs, still frustrated about the whole situation but tired and so done with this godawful coffee he doesn’t even enjoy. His back hurts from sitting in the uncomfortable booth all night and he can’t stop thinking about you in bed alone, so he gets up, pays way too much and starts to make his way home

You haven’t slept much yourself, tossing and turning all night. Your thoughts wander around in your head, not that you’re worried too much about Bent out at night but about the situation being left unfinished. You’re confident in your relationship and he’s a retired army ranger, he can take care of himself his literal outburst is something that obviously doesn’t sit right with you. Both of you work so well because you like to be honest with one another and trust each other, so you don’t have to know every little thing he does but this is clearly something that has been bothering him for much longer and you wonder why it is that he doesn’t want to talk to you. It has been prominent in the last couple of days that something’s wrong with him. While you’re very sure that his outburst wasn’t fair or your fault it doesn’t take away your worry. And while you’re left alone with all the possibilities for a reason for this, your thoughts become darker and worsen as the night progresses.

Your anger has long faded as you watch the first soft beams of sunlight crawl through your curtain, eyes dropping and ready to finally fall asleep as you hear the door open. Sitting yourself up and waiting attentively, you listen to the familiar sound of shoes being kicked off in the hallway and keys being carefully placed in a bowl before you hear footsteps approaching. You lean yourself against the headboard and watch Benny appear in the half opened door, trying to make his way into your bedroom quietly. He stops in his tracks as your eyes meet and he realizes you’re awake. „Thought you’d be asleep.“, he murmurs. His voice is low, small even, fitting in the early morning bedroom that would’ve seemed peaceful if it weren’t for you two staring uncertain at each other. „You should’ve known better.“ You can’t help but scoff, arms crossed and looking away as you speak. It’s not like you mean to sound so picky but you can’t help it. You’re still immensely hurt, his words from earlier ringing faintly in your head and he frowns, knowing that he deserves this if he’s being honest. He sighs then, not because of you but because of himself and steps into the room, sitting down and the end of the bed. „Yeah, should’ve known better a lot of things.“

Both of you are incredibly tired at this point, Benny rubbing his hands across his face and you try to stifle a yawn, bags prominent under your eyes. You move down a bit and settled yourself more comfortably on your pillows, him eyeing you carefully before stretching out his hand and grabbing yours, that lies on top of the sheets. He fumbles with your fingers for a bit, searching for the right words that just won’t seem to come. „I know you didn’t deserve any of this. I’m.. - so sorry I treated you this way, I know exactly how much I’ve hurt you.“ He stops to look at you and you finally glance back at him, letting him continue. „It’s not fair and I’ve been a complete dick, I know that. There’s really nothing to say that will excuse this so I just want you to know that if I could take it back, I would. In a heartbeat.“ He picks his words carefully and you get the impression he thought about this in his head over and over again, so you squeeze his hand back and lace your fingers with his. „You’ve been a dick.“ you answer and he nods, agreeing with you, and lifts your hands up to press a kiss to the back of your hand. „I know. I hate myself for it.“ You’re both silent afterwards, before he slowly scoots closer to you and lays down on his side, you inching closer until you’re facing each other. „Do you wanna talk about it?“ He thinks about it for a moment but shakes is head and you accept that, because even if you burn to know more you trust that he will come to you when he’s ready. „Not right now, no. I honestly want to hold you for a bit and feel less shitty.“You smile, a soft and tired one but a smile nonetheless and scoot closer to him. “Won’t help you ‘bout feeling shitty but I wouldn’t mind being held right now.”